I feel so confused and so betrayed.

peachbananas:

In all honesty I really do. First off, I don’t know what I did wrong. I can’t even remember the last time I picked a fight with you or the last time I complained about anything at all. The last argument we had, you told me that you’re already tired of our relationship because of all the fights and one more argument might break things off already - I got scared. So for one month I’ve been keeping all the bad feelings I’ve been holding on about you and just keeping them to myself in fear of losing you. You have no idea just how afraid I am of losing you. You mean so much to me that I fought and battled hard with everything that went against us. We’ve only been apart for a small period of time, 3 days to be exact, but you don’t know just how much those 3 days felt like 3 years to me. I miss you so much, that’s a fact, but inspite of me missing you very much, my feelings for you are starting to dwindle because of some things I started to realize while being away from you… To make things simple and to keep my find from crossing too many intersections and getting lost on the railroad of my thoughts, I’ll make this into a list of things on why I feel this way:

1. I know I told you I feel bad already and I’m starting to slowly fall out of this, but to be honest, whenever I think about you, I’d always pucker up the courage to keep myself strong and say to myself “You’ve reached 1 year and that’s not easy - don’t give up now, you wouldn’t reach one year and work hard on it if you just want things to end in the first place”, and it always works… and I’d miss you instead of going on with my day not thinking about you. I love you and I want it to be you and I don’t want this to end. Everything’s just so confusing already because now that I think about it, I don’t get why you’d ask for time and feel tired of our relationship just because of distance and all the fights. To be honest, I have more reasons to ask for space but I never did, if you want to share our situation to others, I’m 101% sure they’d agree that you really did lack time with me… but no matter what I’m doing here I’d always make time for you and wait for you… Ikaw na nga ang masaya diyan, ako na nga yung parating nag-aantay para mabigyan mo ng lugar sa araw mo, ikaw pa ngayon ang may gana mag sabi na you’re unsure of us anymore WITHOUT EVEN DOING ANYTHING BEFORE TO TRY AND FIX THINGS WITH ME AND KNOW WHAT’S BEEN HAPPENING TO ME BY GIVING ME MORE TIME. I can justify why I’m not needy with a million reasons, but I don’t know why you’d always come up with one comeback to get me to apologize and just shut my mouth and feel sorry for myself. 

2. IF YOU’RE HAVING IT TOUGH BECAUSE OF THE DISTANCE, THEN CAN YOU PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHY YOU LASTED FOR A YEAR WITH THAT ANGELLI BITCH WHO CHEATED/TWO-TIMED YOU TWICE WHILE YOU WERE AWAY FOR ONE YEAR IN MANILA AND SHE WAS STAYING AT CEBU PLUS YOU HAD THE NERVE TO BREAK UP WITH HER AND ASK FOR HER BACK AGAIN??? And I’ve only been here for 2 months and I’ll be going back in 3 months time… LESS THAN ONE YEAR FOR YOUR SIMPLE MATH SKILLS, and you can’t even??? And you’re saying that you’re tired???… Are you fucking with my feelings or what??? Pardon my language but no communication with you for the past 3 days has got me thinking about soooo many things that’s getting me ANGRY. Things like THESE per se. 

3. Number three, this is what hurts me the most. This is why I feel so fucking betrayed and makes me think that you’re one ungrateful asshole - I’M IN DAVAO FOR YOU, I’M IN DAVAO FOR US TO BE LEGAL - MEANING: STAYING IN DAVAO HAS CAUSED ME TO GIVE UP MY FUCKING DREAM SCHOOL WHICH IS MY EDUCATION IN ATENEO DE MANILA AND IS THE CAUSE OF MY GRADUATION DELAY. I DON’T HAVE PROBLEMS WITH MY GRADES - LET ME MAKE THAT CLEAR ENOUGH FOR YOU - BUT MY PARENTS PULLED ME OUT BECAUSE OF YOU BUT I DIDN’T COMPLAIN AND I CHOSE TO STAY HERE RATHER THAN GO BACK AND BREAK UP WITH YOU. I know I said I’m strong enough to lose you for a bit but I’m not strong enough to lose AdMU… but I just realized I really can’t afford to lose both AdMU and you… You’ve been such a big part of me already that it’s hard for me to let you go (even if it’s just for a while). I FOUGHT HARD AGAINST EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE THAT WAS AGAINST US JUST TO SHOW YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU AND NOW YOU’RE FEELING LIKE YOU’RE “FALLING OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP”. After doing all of those things for you, all I wanted was enough time to talk to you… to still treat me the same as before and not just say “Oh, I’m not doing those things to you anymore cause I got you naman - you’re my girlfriend naman.”. ONE REASON WHY RELATIONSHIPS DON’T LAST LONG IS BECAUSE GUYS DON’T WORK HARD LATER ON IN THE RELATIONSHIP LIKE HOW THEY USED TO WHILE THEY WERE STILL TRYING TO GET THE GIRL. JUST BECAUSE YOU ALREADY HAVE ME DOESN’T MEAN I’M NOT LOOKING FOR THOSE SIMPLE SWEET THINGS YOU USUALLY DID BEFORE ANYMORE. But whatever, despite that, I still stayed with you and continued loving you more and more each day.

You make me cry each night with confused emotions of missing you, anger, sadness, betrayal and shitloads more. So fuck this, I hope you’re doing fine there at the school where I should still be if not for loving you, have fun and go enjoy all the classes that I should have been going to but instead I’m here waiting for you… hopeful that you’d feel the same way about me again…

NIGHTNIGHT by DEDDY