Hi. I’m Nica. And this is me, writing, typing, breathing and getting the cloud out from inside my head. 99.9% of the total human population don’t know me, but I figured, if I do want to make an impression on the world, I want to make it just by being me.
Again, I’m Nica. And this is me, smiling. Those circular cheeks I get and bright smile I share is a representation of everything that has to do with who I am. Who I will be and who I plan to be. There’s so much negative in this world that I can’t even figure how to balance it out in a single thought of help or hope. To be honest, if everything was balanced out, then I guess the world would be in total chaos - but not for my world. In a world where my thoughts run through a single track riding the VIP train, my world has God as the driver and my world would rather straighten out that chaos rather than succumb to the dead fishes that keep swimmin with the flow of the water - with the flow of society.
I’m writing because I’m thinking about a lot of things… a lot of bullshit, maybe? A lot of important things and a lot of —- things. I know only about 0.000001% of the Philippine population could and would choose to read this - what’s one thought from one girl compared to the thoughts of the high and mighty, right? One thing’s for certain though, I am high and mighty, in my own way. I have God in my heart and that’s as high as anyone could ever get - except if you smoke weed of course. Pun not intended.
So forgive me if my thoughts suddenly jump from one thing to another, like a painter suddenly throwing a jar full of turquoise paint to a white wall of nothing. Everything’s just so bare in my eyes right now that I want to give out words of anything to give color to everything.
I don’t understand myself either… I’m a girl who can balance out a lot of things. Introvert-ness and my social life. Coffee and beer. Books and magazines. Love and hate. Friendship and war. Friend or foe. Rock and RNB. But despite knowing that I’m too well-balanced out, I feel like something’s missing and something’s too much for me. I want to be good and yet I am. I know I’m bad and yet I want to be and not at the same time. I do wrong things that I know are wrong but I also know they’re good. I don’t understand myself. I remember getting in trouble a couple of years back and my dad asked me what kind of girl I am… and I couldn’t answer, not because I was shitting my pants and got scared but because - I don’t even really know what kind of girl I am.
It’s like I’m a mystery to myself that I’ve been trying to solve for the past 18 years of my life and I fear, won’t ever be solved. It’s like wanting to know but not wanting to know as well. Is what I’m doing really controlled by my thoughts and emotions or what I’ve been doing is just so I could do something? Do something out of my life… what I’m capable of doing. Passing out time and thinking “Hey, it’s okay… tomorrow’s going to come and you can find new ways to pass out time again.
I don’t get why money runs the world. Whenever I see poor kids down the street, I feel like stabbing myself thinking that the world is so unfair. I don’t deserve to be born to a world where I get free food and free allowance and free everything I want, that I get more wants than needs, and there are those people who have the option to kill just to get what they need, and yet majority of them don’t. I don’t get this logic, I don’t get money… I know those kids deserve more. Those old people dying of hunger out there deserve to be loved in a comfortable house with their grandchildren playing in front of them. Those kids deserve happiness and candies and play instead of mourning on the streets. If it was possible to ask God for one thing on my birthday, I would (in all honesty) give up everything I’ve had, and still have, I would give up my 19 years of living if it would be possible for people not to suffer anymore. I’m smart, I’m not dumb, I know that won’t happen - but if it could, then I won’t take back my words. I don’t get how a world full of love and happiness could create such hell for people who suffer everywhere, every single day. And I look at the smile I have whenever I have random moments of vanity and I say to myself - I WISH, I could share that smile to others, so that at least I’d know that for one moment in their lives, I effortlessly made them lift their cheeks up and show what’s brightly being honest behind that suffering face. I don’t know what’s wrong with me… but then again, I don’t understand myself.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for everything I have… but at the same time, I’m in pain for what I have that others can’t get.
I see freedom in a painted picture, or a look over the vast ocean where the sun would set and the waves are slowly pulling my body towards the shore. I want to lie in endless horizons forever and just be free and fly in my thoughts and the clear blue sky would calm me down and be enough to make me genuinely happy, but then again, I am. And then again, I’m not.
Sometimes I confuse myself. I don’t know what literature is. I don’t know how a brush could be so powerful as to influence the minds of those who have the power to influence as well and I never knew that color and sight could be a God-sent gift to one person already. We do not appreciate enough what we already have that others don’t. And we don’t use it enough, yet others do, and yet they don’t. Why must everyone take up so much space in their minds for one thing only and disregard the fact that - that could never be the case because in our world, our minds would never be enough for something as much as 1 thought. It’s scientifically impossible because as human as we are… our thoughts are the trenches of the ocean. Scary, dark, unexplored, with what wonders it could bring, so’s destruction.
If life and death are so necessary in this world, why make life if there’s only death waiting for them in the end? Is this about giving chances to people? To live a happy life and be happy? Is that chance even equally given to those who weren’t born with any choices? Just suffering and madness and the will to survive? I for one don’t think that we’re alive. I think we’re just here… standing and walking and breathing. I don’t think people are actually LIVING ENOUGH and see everything at one point and say there’s something terribly wrong with everything.
I’m a genuinely happy girl. I always am. That’s how God made me. And I plan to use His gift as a way of putting a streak of yellow sunshine to everything that’s black in the world today. Chinese and niggas. (LOLjustkiddin). But I know I can, so I would.
Hi, I’m Nica. And this is me smiling. And smiling is the only thing that I think is beautiful about me. It’s the only honest thing I could always - always give to someone and hope… that with the life God has given you, at least a Chinese girl, 18 years of age, impacted your life by making you smile despite of your problems, weaknesses and doubts in life. I hope you know that you’ve got a faithful friend in the form of me and I hope people realize that all I ever want is to make people happy.
I miss my boyfriend… I miss my companion… I miss the person who’s always been there, sticking up for me and never once, doubted me. I miss my confidante. I miss my teacher and my listener. I miss my source of sunshine and rainbows. I miss you…
It’s been days now and we haven’t really been talking. Although, I have to admit that this being far away from each other thing is finally healthy, well at least for me. I don’t know if things are going positive for you, cause again, we haven’t been talking. I’m not afraid, I’m not scared, cause even through these days that there hasn’t been the slightest sign of you, never, not even once was there a day… an hour, a minute, a second or millisecond that I’ve ever felt like I’ve lost the tiniest bit of love for you. Because in truth, I still love you more and more each day. You’re always on my mind… and not once have I thought about any other guy… except you. I admit, it’s been very difficult, not talking to you and all… but I’m also thankful for our time apart. It made me miss you more and realize that space really is important. As soon as I heard your voice a few days ago to talk about a really unavoidable important matter, I can’t express how happy my heart was as soon as you said “Hello?”… it melted and once more butterflies fluttered like crazy in my tummy. My mind went in a coma as Ecstasy drifted in me, realizing that this time, I could talk to you for an endless period because I have tons of stories to share with you again, what with our distance and no talking rule and all.
But even though this maiden has been thankful for the distance, thou cannot deny the fact of the feeling of loneliness. I have missed you… so much… and as much as I want to talk to you everyday, some things are now holding me back, I don’t know if it’s because I find solstice when I’m burying myself in my own thoughts everyday, or it’s because I’m comfortable being alone now, but then I’m still thinking of you, or it’s because I don’t know… I’m just waiting til’ you talk to me first or I’m saving up tons of stories to tell you… But whatever the case, there’s no doubt in me still feeling the same way, and undoubtedly… even more.
But then for today… I wish I was talking to you. Today, I wish I could hear your voice. Today, I wish somewhere in the far beyond, we were still together… talking, just talking, lying down and looking into each other’s eyes and know each other so well that we need not tell anything to each other anymore. Of course, that would be absurd, but then the complete me that I know… that I feel, whenever I drown inside those beautiful brown orbs is all I ever need to be… to feel, whenever you look back at me… Today, I wish I had you, I had love, I felt love, experience love in you… while we talk in desperate endlessness… Today I wish my trail of unknown and unending thoughts warned and stroked your ear, while you listened to whatever I have to say, either it would be me telling you I miss you… or just how stupidly stupid I am for you… Today I wish there was more of you, one for shopping, one for watching movies with me, one for every single day that I wish to be with you at different times, so I wish there was more of me too… Nothing can stop me from wanting more of you and nothing can stop me from loving you… that’s why if I can be this strong, then this bricked wall of force causes us to be superior… Super… Superhumans… Today, I wanted to hold your hand… feel the lines of your palms and close my eyes and breathe the air that you breathe and feel your flesh right against mine. Smile and praise God for creating you and giving you to me and always swim in the sea of smiles and awes and wonder of you.
Today, I missed you… Today I missed you as my best friend… And today… how I longed to talk to you as my friend.
BUT DESPITE EVERYTHING… I still love you so so much.., and I won’t give up on us…
“& When you’re needing your space to do some navigating - I’ll be here patiently waiting. I won’t give up. I don’t want to be someone who walks away so easily - I’m here to stay to make the difference that I can make…”
If you really love the person, you wouldn’t mind being far away from each other. Instead of reminiscing about the days you were together, look forward to the days you will be together again. Distance should never be a reason to doubt what you feel for another person, cause if it is, then you may have mistaken love for strong infatuation.
You don’t need to see someone everyday to love them. You don’t need to see someone everyday to have new adventures with them. You don’t need to see someone everyday to talk about anything under the sun with them. You don’t need to see someone everyday to have an assurance that they’ll always be there for you no matter what. Most especially:
You don’t need to see someone everyday to remind yourself why you fell inlove with them and entered the relationship in the first place.
—Janica Go (via peachbananas)
In all honesty I really do. First off, I don’t know what I did wrong. I can’t even remember the last time I picked a fight with you or the last time I complained about anything at all. The last argument we had, you told me that you’re already tired of our relationship because of all the fights and one more argument might break things off already - I got scared. So for one month I’ve been keeping all the bad feelings I’ve been holding on about you and just keeping them to myself in fear of losing you. You have no idea just how afraid I am of losing you. You mean so much to me that I fought and battled hard with everything that went against us. We’ve only been apart for a small period of time, 3 days to be exact, but you don’t know just how much those 3 days felt like 3 years to me. I miss you so much, that’s a fact, but inspite of me missing you very much, my feelings for you are starting to dwindle because of some things I started to realize while being away from you… To make things simple and to keep my find from crossing too many intersections and getting lost on the railroad of my thoughts, I’ll make this into a list of things on why I feel this way:
1. I know I told you I feel bad already and I’m starting to slowly fall out of this, but to be honest, whenever I think about you, I’d always pucker up the courage to keep myself strong and say to myself “You’ve reached 1 year and that’s not easy - don’t give up now, you wouldn’t reach one year and work hard on it if you just want things to end in the first place”, and it always works… and I’d miss you instead of going on with my day not thinking about you. I love you and I want it to be you and I don’t want this to end. Everything’s just so confusing already because now that I think about it, I don’t get why you’d ask for time and feel tired of our relationship just because of distance and all the fights. To be honest, I have more reasons to ask for space but I never did, if you want to share our situation to others, I’m 101% sure they’d agree that you really did lack time with me… but no matter what I’m doing here I’d always make time for you and wait for you… Ikaw na nga ang masaya diyan, ako na nga yung parating nag-aantay para mabigyan mo ng lugar sa araw mo, ikaw pa ngayon ang may gana mag sabi na you’re unsure of us anymore WITHOUT EVEN DOING ANYTHING BEFORE TO TRY AND FIX THINGS WITH ME AND KNOW WHAT’S BEEN HAPPENING TO ME BY GIVING ME MORE TIME. I can justify why I’m not needy with a million reasons, but I don’t know why you’d always come up with one comeback to get me to apologize and just shut my mouth and feel sorry for myself.
2. IF YOU’RE HAVING IT TOUGH BECAUSE OF THE DISTANCE, THEN CAN YOU PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHY YOU LASTED FOR A YEAR WITH THAT ANGELLI BITCH WHO CHEATED/TWO-TIMED YOU TWICE WHILE YOU WERE AWAY FOR ONE YEAR IN MANILA AND SHE WAS STAYING AT CEBU PLUS YOU HAD THE NERVE TO BREAK UP WITH HER AND ASK FOR HER BACK AGAIN??? And I’ve only been here for 2 months and I’ll be going back in 3 months time… LESS THAN ONE YEAR FOR YOUR SIMPLE MATH SKILLS, and you can’t even??? And you’re saying that you’re tired???… Are you fucking with my feelings or what??? Pardon my language but no communication with you for the past 3 days has got me thinking about soooo many things that’s getting me ANGRY. Things like THESE per se.
3. Number three, this is what hurts me the most. This is why I feel so fucking betrayed and makes me think that you’re one ungrateful asshole - I’M IN DAVAO FOR YOU, I’M IN DAVAO FOR US TO BE LEGAL - MEANING: STAYING IN DAVAO HAS CAUSED ME TO GIVE UP MY FUCKING DREAM SCHOOL WHICH IS MY EDUCATION IN ATENEO DE MANILA AND IS THE CAUSE OF MY GRADUATION DELAY. I DON’T HAVE PROBLEMS WITH MY GRADES - LET ME MAKE THAT CLEAR ENOUGH FOR YOU - BUT MY PARENTS PULLED ME OUT BECAUSE OF YOU BUT I DIDN’T COMPLAIN AND I CHOSE TO STAY HERE RATHER THAN GO BACK AND BREAK UP WITH YOU. I know I said I’m strong enough to lose you for a bit but I’m not strong enough to lose AdMU… but I just realized I really can’t afford to lose both AdMU and you… You’ve been such a big part of me already that it’s hard for me to let you go (even if it’s just for a while). I FOUGHT HARD AGAINST EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE THAT WAS AGAINST US JUST TO SHOW YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU AND NOW YOU’RE FEELING LIKE YOU’RE “FALLING OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP”. After doing all of those things for you, all I wanted was enough time to talk to you… to still treat me the same as before and not just say “Oh, I’m not doing those things to you anymore cause I got you naman - you’re my girlfriend naman.”. ONE REASON WHY RELATIONSHIPS DON’T LAST LONG IS BECAUSE GUYS DON’T WORK HARD LATER ON IN THE RELATIONSHIP LIKE HOW THEY USED TO WHILE THEY WERE STILL TRYING TO GET THE GIRL. JUST BECAUSE YOU ALREADY HAVE ME DOESN’T MEAN I’M NOT LOOKING FOR THOSE SIMPLE SWEET THINGS YOU USUALLY DID BEFORE ANYMORE. But whatever, despite that, I still stayed with you and continued loving you more and more each day.
You make me cry each night with confused emotions of missing you, anger, sadness, betrayal and shitloads more. So fuck this, I hope you’re doing fine there at the school where I should still be if not for loving you, have fun and go enjoy all the classes that I should have been going to but instead I’m here waiting for you… hopeful that you’d feel the same way about me again…
#STRAIGHT - exactly what’s been going on and how I’m feeling. -__-
Been sitting thinking about you and I and I am wondering why were not getting along
so frustrated ‘cause what we had was a happy home.
I don’t know what the situation is but I can tell in the way we kiss
we don’t talk no more and it feels better when I’m alone
Sometimes I feel like there’s no getting through to you
like you don’t appreciate all that I do.
you gotta show me that you want me to stay
don’t turn & walk away
baby I’m slowly falling out of love with you
I don’t know what to do,
how did we end up here this way?
what are we gonna do?
I’m slowly falling out.. baby
we’re tripping on silly things
boy I need you to meet me halfway,
if you want me to be with you..
I remember when, I’d be with my friends
you checked on me and made time to call
but how things have changed? —
now I don’t hear from you at all.
don’t let your pride get in the way,
for something we worked so hard —
don’t throw it away
I’ve been tryna make you see
everything you need is right here with me
To be honest, kahit trailer pa lang ito, it made me cry na. Me and mom went gaga over Channing Tatum but whatever. Uuugghhh, they chose the best people from talaga from Nicholas’ novels to act for this movie. And in a way, I kinda feel jealous about how Channing’s portraying on how much he loves Rachel. Wish my boyfriend loved me as much. LOL.
“I vow to love, and no matter what challenges might carry us apart - we will always find our way back to each other.”
I fell in love with the sunset at Bora. Fell inlove with the crowded beach at Station 2. Fell inlove with the different activities there. Fell inlove with the feeling of being free whenever I look at the ocean. Makes me want to be a mermaid. *TROLL.