Her Extrovert Rainbow Days♥

Personally, all this “actions speak louder than words” is kind of a half truth for me. While it’s true that actions make you do things for someone else because of how you feel for them, it would be nice and reassuring to hear what someone feels through their words as well. I guess all I’m trying to say is it’s better understood if you show someone how you feel and tell them as well so they’re double assured and they’d understand better just exactly how you feel.

Like when someone says I love you or I miss you, how exactly can someone show it when they’re far away? There are many ways, still, but it would definitely sound really nice if you hear it from the person while they assure you through their actions as well, even though you may not be there all the time to witness it. I guess it’s just that when emotions and feelings are genuine, they deserve to be expressed in all ways that someone possibly could, and that includes both words and actions.

Last day in Davao and tomorrow I’m flying off to France for my study tour. Had a lot of shit to do today and one of the things I wanted, not needed, but I really wanted to do was visit my amah (grandmother in Chinese).

Me and my amah were pretty close before but after my craziness started and mom threw me out of the house every couple of months or years or so, well… staying with them when I was kicked out from my own home made me feel like everyone from my dad’s side of the family started judging me. Like what kind of girl I am and what shit I did this time to be kicked out of the house again.

Like I said, I’m the typical black baa in the family. But then again, I think that the things I did were normal mistakes shitloads of teenage girls go through, it’s just my parents’ way of disciplining and their rules are different from other parents. Can’t complain though, cause I can’t really choose my parents, can I?

Since my father’s side is conservative since they’re traditional Chinese and shit, I always felt like my relationship with my grandmother then has been different. I always thought that whenever I went to their house or attended a party with them there, I was always judged and stuff. But today really proved me wrong.

My amah’s been treating me somewhat the same ever since I first got kicked out of home. Well… different because only now I realized I held back from really trying to bond with her since I was 11. I thought I backed away because I was scared of all the talk and judgment, but then I realized, the problem was me all along. For the past almost 9 years I wasted quality time and hella bonding with my amah only because I deliberately backed away from her.

And another realization was that, I back away not because I was scared of the judging, but because she never judged me and I was only ever ashamed of the things I did… that’s why I couldn’t bear to be close with her again cause I was already too embarrassed to still be part of that conservative family given all the shitty things that I did.

But visiting her today and getting the biggest hug from her again felt too awesome that I freaking cried right beside her…. I missed my amah so much and I feel really bad for all the time I wasted not being as affectionate to her as I once was.

Now that I know though, I can start spending more time with her again! Can’t wait to come back home and visit her more often!!